A few days ago I found myself saying in a raised voice and with lots of frustration:
“It’s not all about you”
I was leaving my two children to school, I was late for work and tired of the efforts to get out of the house and manage the dynamics between the two siblings. The words were directed at my 9 year old daughter and she meekly replied “I know ….”
Now I was really only thinking about myself when I said those words. About me being late and the consequences of that and about poor me having to deal with unsympathetic children.
I had started the day early enough and had even squeezed in a quiet ten minutes reading A Course in Miracles related material but I had already lost it! To make matters worse I had just come back two days previously from the Miracle Network Conference where I felt nourished with so much Course input and enriching connections with others.
At the Conference I met David Hoffmeiser for the first time and his presence and words reminded me that living A Course in Miracles is not a personal thing. He was clearly in a flow of Love that was non personal or abstract.
In contrast I was aware of how much of my life was all about me. My job, my family, my holidays, my time, my processions, my life…….
I am gradually realizing that a personal life does not work and it never really brought me the true unhappiness that I have always desired.
Why are you unhappy? Because 99.9 per cent of everything you think, and of everything you do, is for yourself — and there isn’t one. Wei Wu Wei, (Terence Gray 1895–1986, England)
“The next stage is indeed “a period of unsettling.”Now must the teacher of God understand that he did not really know what was valuable and what was valueless.” (M7:2 )
Kenneth Wapnick comments of the above quoted fifth stage of the development of trust:
“Suddenly we begin to realize that A Course in Miracles is not about bolstering our sense of self, or becoming a happier person. We recognize instead that this is a course about realizing we are not actually a self at all, and that the person we thought we were is inherently valueless. We learn that what is truly valuable is continuing the process that helps us let go of our individual egos, which means we let go of all judgement” Journey Through The Manual of A Course in Miracles p33
So in the car on the way to school I had made a prior choice to identify with my personal separate life and I was given yet another opportunity to experience the pain of my inner choice.
Obviously the usual forgiveness work with the Holy Spirit was required: looking at the projected beliefs about myself being a victim and unfairly treated.
Now I am realising that eventually forgiveness allows me to see that I am really a non-physical, non-special self or to put it another way: in the dream my true identity is the decision making part of my mind that is beyond time and space.
Repeatedly choosing the miracle is reducing my guilt and so I am letting myself experience more and more the blissful love and joy that is my true essence. Joining with Jesus in looking at my ego thoughts leads me to an experience of pure happiness.
I am reminded that the journey to choose the happy dream becomes easier when it is reinforced by experiences of impersonal love.