I am just back from holidays and I am glad I brought Jesus along this time.
We visited with the whole family a beautiful bay on the NE coast of Brazil where there is always dolphins swimming in the warm water. I had been there once before with my wife about 12 years ago before we had any children. I remember it clearly not just because of the dolphins but because for some of the holiday I was completely miserable and I remember emailing a friend that I had the capacity to be miserable no matter how beautiful the surroundings.
This time you will be glad that I did a little better but I still has some challenges!
My wife is Brazilian and being in her home country she is understandably more Brazilian whereas I am usually a bit uneasy about being in a foreign country. I found my special relationship with my wife does not seem to work so smoothly when it is removed from the seeming security of the North of Scotland!
My needs were very present and my wife seemed a different woman so I knew I was in for a trial – a lesson repeated that I failed to learn before! At first began to lose my sense of humour and of course everything got serious! I was impatient with the children and snappy with my wife. Yes I know you are thinking you never want to be on holiday with me – who would when I am in that sort of mood.
Now I have been working with the Course material long enough to realize that “I am never upset for the reason I think” so I used my little willingness to choose again or choose the miracle.
I realized that the role I had chosen for my wife in our special love relationship was to keep a lid on my unconscious guilt by meeting my needs.
Being needy is a normal part of having a body but needs are based on an inner sense of lack or scarcity. Lack is one aspect of guilt and getting needs fulfilled helps keep this guilt and lack out of our awareness. When needs are not met then all hell breaks loose guilt rises to an uncomfortable level in our conscious awareness.
I was experiencing too much inner guilt for me to handle so what did I do with it!
I projected it out – my wife, my children, the foreign country and the hot weather are to blame for my misery.
I was grateful that this time I was in the habit of asking Jesus for inner help. My inner awareness did not change my mood instantly but I gradually stopped hurting others and therefore myself because I was not willing to pay the price of being miserable especially when I was the one who was doing it and therefore could stop it!
I was grateful for the lesson because it was a reminder that when I use special love relationships to keep a lid on my guilt I am not really seeing the other person for who they are and I am certainly not truly joining with them no matter what my ego may try and tell me.
Mutual meeting of needs is the ego most subtle defence to experiencing the holy instant. So the next time we feel our inner guilt rising to the surface we might want to use the practical help of the miracle rather than trying in vain to manipulate those around us to help us keep a lid on our miserable lives.