Think of all the people you know and especially those you find difficult to deal with.
Try out an exercise. Choose a particular person with whom you have the most difficulty communicating. A person that, no matter how hard you try, in the end you always end up arguing with each other.
Could you think of a person? Or maybe even many people came to your mind?
The only reason why you would want to change something in a person is if you think that a certain attitude or position is wrong. And you don’t think something is wrong unless you believe it to be real and, above all, that it has an effect on you.
This is a magical idea that if, we change something or if we change someone’s behavior or character, we are doing something meaningful to the person and to the world. We believe that this attitude will make us feel better. That’s far from caring about the person. In fact, we believe that the result of our attitude has the power to make us feel better.
Now imagine a person you love very much and who is under a lot of suffering and pain. Do you have this will and maybe even an eagerness to try to help this person and try to make them understand that pain is a choice? Would that be respectful and loving to that person?
It might seem to be a loving approach to try and encourage loved ones to look at what they are experiencing another way, but this is a reflection of our desire to change something that we think is wrong. Often, these people do not want to shift their minds about a given situation and need some more time with that feeling that we deem negative so that they can transcend that state.
Does this person really have to change? What is your motivation to want them to change? Is it because you think you would feel better for believing you “made a difference” in their life? The problem here is wanting people to change. So instead of focusing on the message, we focus on the outcome, and when it does not live up to our expectations, we get frustrated.
The most loving attitude we can have with a loved one is simply accepting and not trying to change them.
When you try to change the other person, you are sending the following message to yourself: I believe that people have an effect on my choices. I’m not responsible for the way I feel.
That does not mean that you do not help people at the level of form, it just means that you do not try to change them unless they want to be changed. And they will let you know when and if they want to go through a process of transformation. They will not always do this through words, because they may not even be aware of it. Then we also learn that it is not helpful, loving, or gentle to try to impose any kind of change on the people we love.
Maybe it’s also time for us to look at our own mindset.
“Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world” (T-21.In.1:7).
by Juliana Kurokawa for the Miracle Choice Team
Juliana also comments on Relationship card number 20 below.