I was led to the Miracle Choice game through A Course in Miracles. I groped in those metaphorical lines, trying to understand myself.
Love and Fear, Real World, Ego, Intuition, Truth, Choices, Acceptance. Wow!! High dives.
It’s been a while since I’ve started working on my self-esteem, as I realized that I did not know what it was. I did not know that I had to prioritize myself in order to love me. What does that mean? Prioritize myself? So selfish!
I do not know exactly when I began to see a new possibility of perceiving love. Therapies, deep conversations, a long journey, but I remember the opening I had when I played the Miracle Choice Pocket Game alone in my room, during a deep existential crisis, where I was in a lonely, cold, dark, dead-end place. Those colored letters with surgical messages brought about sighs, tears and smiles. Some things started to make sense; I realized harsh truths about the choices I was making.
Many things have changed in my life since then. I have generated energy to do what had to be done, and also to come out of that place that I had put myself in, to create what really made sense to my Self.
It’s been a beautiful journey, and it continues. It does not end, and this is magical. Finding out that there is not in fact a place to go shocks me but also frees me. Now I live one moment at a time, connected to my inner wisdom when possible, and if not possible, that is fine too. Simply being aware that I have moments of disconnection and knowing when they happen, not wanting to fix them, represents a great progress for me. There is nothing to be fixed.
Sometimes I feel so much joy that it seems like I’m going to burst. I guess it is the “contentment” people talk about. I see only love in everything and everyone, people stick to me, and everything flows intensely and lightly. Suddenly, some thoughts arrive: “Rafa, you live in a bubble, that’s not reality, people are suffering, you cannot be happy for so long!”
A sense of inadequacy comes and then my thoughts stray to the current challenges I face, the uncertainties. I take a deep breath to embrace this confusion. Sometimes I fall into tears and sometimes I start laughing, with an analgesic certainty that everything is perfect. Then I decide to continue. Doing my best at every moment, welcoming the roller coaster of sensations, and evaluating how I’m feeling.
And then I realize that I started to really love myself, with all the aspects that make me who I am, who brought me here. To love is to accept, even without agreeing. It is to trust, to have fun, to observe the ways, the traps. It is allowing yourself to feel, is to allowing yourself to be.
A Course in Miracles says in Lesson 45:
“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers you have built against it.”
It is in that unlearning process that I have put my energy. I stopped looking for love, because love already is!!! Now I am dealing with the layers of beliefs that separate me from love. And my path is to accept and love me, unconditionally. When I serve myself, I start to serve the world with an inexplicable presence. A sense of integrity. A gratitude from knowing that I can return to this place, even choosing to disconnect sometimes. I can go back. We can always go home!
by Rafaela Pimpão